LDM: “Stefano!”
SD: “Boss?”
LDM: “This fax just arrived”
DEAR ALL
1. Ahead of the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, Ferrari will issue a press-release stating that Fernando has already brought an extra 6 Tenths to the team.
2. Fernando’s contract should include the following disclaimers: ‘Fernando had no knowledge of the plan and neither did his personal’ and ‘will always be spared sanctions in exchange for providing evidence’.
3. Fernando will not tolerate any use of light, both natural and artificial, in his teammates half of the garage. A special “darkening” squad will be dispatched to each race in advance to seal all cracks. Use of specialist night vision equipment is strictly prohibited, even for toilet breaks.
4. Fernando’s pet ferret will accompany his teammate in the car at all times during race events.
5. Ferrari will replace the traditional number 1 and 2 driver status references with ‘His’ and ‘Hers’ references. ‘His’ is automatically assigned to manly Spaniards and ‘Hers’ to girly Brazilians.
6. Any ex-Ferrari drivers still employed on an advisory level will be reassigned to compete in the U.S. Stone, Paper, Scissors World Championships.
7. In Italian, the word ‘Alonsi’ will replace ‘Tifosi’ as the word used to describe a group of supporters or fans of Scuderia Ferrari.
8. Team Fernando has its own race engineers. Any Ferrari engineers surplus to requirement will be tasked with cleansing Fernando’s path with flowers (with the exception of pansies) ahead of all public appearances. This activity should be practiced regularly like any other technical exercise.
9. Should Ferrari’s 2010 car turn out to be a toilet on wheels, Fernando reserves the right to sit in his pram, play with his expensive toys, engage in childish off-track rivalry and go crying back to Renault.
LOVE F.A.
SD: “He’s crazy boss, we’d never sign Ace Schumey over to the Americans!
